RAW Quickie: Highway to Hell…in a Cell

That’s right, 10 Percenters! Your easily digestible look at the goings on at Monday Night Raw returns as WWE heads straight to Hell…in a Cell!

Opening Segment:

  • The Authority is out in the ring, the Hell in a Cell structure hanging high above them.
  • Triple H announces the main event for tonight (Cena/Ambrose vs Rollins/Kane/Orton, 3 on 2 Handicap Street Fight)
  • He goes over the upcoming HIAC matches at the PPV, putting over how great the Authority representation is
  • Seth calls himself “The Undisputed Future of WWE,” which gets Randy all hot and bothered
  • They argue over whose match is the main event of the PPV
  • Defusing the argument, Triple H declares a double main event (makes sense, their match stip is the title of the show)
  • Orton/Cena is now for a future title shot against Brock Lesnar (…eh)
  • Oh, and at one point Triple H puts over the WWE Network (which you can get for just…$9.99)

Usos/Sheamus vs Gold & Stardust/Miz…dow:

  • Small tech issue, they started to play Gold/Stardust’s hype video during the Uso entrance. Awkward.
  • Before the match, Miz has Mizdow take his place in the match. The crowd goes wild, and so do I.
  • A good match ensues. Side note from the commercial break, I like the concept of Sunset Overdrive. Reminds me of Jet Set Radio.
  • Match ends with a rollup on Sheamus by Mizdow! Miz is excited, shouting “I won! I won!”

Triple H/Randy Orton Segment:

  • Randy approaches Triple H, thanking him for the opportunity and claiming he’ll beat Lesnar
  • Triple H says it was Seth’s idea.
  • Randy says he’ll go thank Seth…personally (sounds kinky)

Bray Wyatt Vignette:

  • Bray says he’s set Harper and Rowan “free” (hopefully not from wrestling on a regular basis)
  • Claims that “it’s coming” and promptly disappears at the end of the vignette (one could say he…ascended)

AJ Lee vs Alicia Fox:

  • True story, I only really care about this match because I’m in a fantasy wrestling league and get points from anything Fox does
  • That said, NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX. Sara Del Rey is doing great things at the Performance Center
  • “You know what I love about the Divas?” We already know, Jerry, don’t lie to us. #puppies
  • Divas wrestling move count for this match: 13
  • Match ends with a rollup by Fox. More FWL points for me! (That’s two rollups in a row, by the way…)

Randy Orton/Seth Rollins Segment:

  • Orton thanks Seth for the suggestion, but questions why
  • Seth claims he’s looking out for The Authority’s best interests
  • He then reminds Randy that he has a future World Title shot himself, hinting he might cash it in on Orton if he gets the chance

Randy Orton/John Cena/Paul Heyman In-Ring:

  • Two segments in a row, Orton? Yeezus.
  • Randy goes on about his and Cena’s histories in WWE.
  • Classic heel tactic: bash the home team.
  • Line of the night (so far) from Orton: “You can take your hustle, your loyalty, AND your respect and you can shove them up your a$$!”
  • The (former) champ is here!
  • “This ain’t 2002 anymore” You’re not wrong, Cena.
  • It’s not 2002 anymore, but these guys are cutting promos like it’s 2008-2009.
  • Here comes the savior of this segment, Paul Heyman.
  • Class of 2002: John Cena, Randy Orton, and Brock Lesnar.
  • Heyman points out the guy who was the World champion in 2002 is the World champion in 2014.
  • Heyman pushes Cena’s buttons to the point where Cena nearly gives him an AA, but stops himself…
  • …and gets an RKO “outta nowhere” from Orton…
  • …who gives Heyman an RKO because reasons
  • Man, this was a long segment.

Rusev vs Big E:

  • Side note from a preceding commercial: I’ve never seen Bridesmaids, but I finally watched all of The IT Crowd on Netflix. I love Chris O’Dowd’s performance as Roy, so I’m gonna watch that movie whether it’s on USA Network or elsewhere.
  • The fact I bring that up should show how invested in this match I am. Do it for America, Big E!
  • Some power moves later, and the match ends with Big E tapping out to the Accolade
  • Hey, why is a Bulgarian proclaiming himself Russian using a traditionally Iranian submission hold?
  • Lana and Rusev talk after the match. Big Show manages to switch the Russian flag for Old Glory. America. F**k yeah.
  • The post-match gets slightly awkward as a returning soldier or vet(??) runs in to stop Rusev, and gets a kick to the face for his troubles. What is this, the Attitude Era?

Big Show In-Ring:

  • Big Show promises to deal with Rusev after what he did
  • He goes after Rusev, only to find an empty dressing room

John Cena/Dean Ambrose Segment:

  • Ambrose does “research for the match tonight’ by watching See No Evil 2 (side note: I really want to see that movie)
  • Cena talks about the strategy they need to have going into the match
  • Ambrose responds with “punching anything that moves, and…taking as many of them down with us as possible”
  • Me: “Well played, Ambrose”

Brie Bella vs Summer Rae:

  • I almost put down “one of the Bellas vs Summer Rae”
  • Wrestling holds happen, and I hold out hope for the Divas division
  • “Fit Finlay’s birthday is today” most important commentary line for the match
  • I think Missed Dropkick is a decent move name
  • Brie hits the Brie Factor for the pinfall win, and proceed to borrow her hubby’s chant
  • The way she does it inspires me to add that to my workout plan. Thanks, Brie!

Dean Ambrose/Seth Rollins/Mick Foley In-Ring:

  • Ambrose comes out to hype his match at HIAC against Seth Rollins…
  • …and pulls out a weird mannequin thing that looks vaguely like Seth Rollins
  • He literally starts ripping apart the mannequin, limb by limb, making body jokes as he goes
  • Seth and the new stooges come out, and the two former Shield guys have a standoff until…
  • …MICK FOLEY comes out to “visit an old friend” (the Hell in a Cell structure)
  • Mick puts over the greatness of The Shield, but admits that he saw Seth Rollins winning a potential match against Ambrose…
  • …”in almost any scenario”
  • Thoughts: I’m really hyped for this HIAC match, probably more than any other match on that card

Cesaro vs Dolph Ziggler:

  • I’m actually looking forward to this match, despite it being non-title. I really hope for the future of the IC title.
  • Chain wrestling! Thank the wrestling heavens
  • A great, great match that ends with a pin from Cesaro after a big uppercut
  • After the match, Cesaro celebrates with a Neutralizer on Ziggler for good measure

The Authority Segment:

  • Rollins and Orton get to bickering and arguing and stuff
  • Kane rallies the troops, ring general that he is, and tells them to “put aside their differences”

Hell in a Cell – By The Numbers:

  • I hate numbers.
  • Interesting video package, though.

Bray Wyatt Vignette…Again?:

  • The vignette plays again, all exactly the same as it was earlier. Curious. Very curious.

John Cena & Dean Ambrose vs The Authority (Rollins/Kane/Orton):

  • Everyone’s wearing pants to this dance but Orton
  • The match (Street Fight) goes about how you’d expect it, but it’s decent at least
  • It’s pretty tame for a street fight, though
  • CENA! Get the table!
  • I like that they try to sell you on Hell in a Cell with spots they probably won’t do (namely table spots)
  • Kane calls for the Cell to come down, which adds an interesting pre-PPV dynamic
  • Dean Ambrose gives tribute to Nigel McGuinness with that whirlybird lariat on Kane
  • Match ends after Cena goes for an AA, gets chokeslammed by Kane, who gets DDT’d by Ambrose…
  • …who gets shoved by Orton. He does another whirlybird, but gets caught in an RKO for the Authority win!
  • After the match, Rollins hits a curb stomp on Orton and celebrates on top of the Cell.

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