RAW Quickie: Highway to Hell…in a Cell

That’s right, 10 Percenters! Your easily digestible look at the goings on at Monday Night Raw returns as WWE heads straight to Hell…in a Cell!

Opening Segment:

The Authority is out in the ring, the Hell in a Cell structure hanging high above them.
Triple H announces the main event for tonight (Cena/Ambrose vs Rollins/Kane/Orton, 3 on 2 Handicap Street Fight)
He goes over the upcoming HIAC matches at the PPV, putting over how great the Authority representation is
Seth calls himself “The Undisputed Future of WWE,” which gets Randy all hot and bothered
They argue over whose match is the main event of the PPV
Defusing the argument, Triple H declares a double main event (makes sense, their match stip is the title of the show)
Orton/Cena is now for a future title shot against Brock Lesnar (…eh)
Oh, and at one point Triple H puts over the WWE Network (which you can get for just…$9.99)

Usos/Sheamus vs Gold & Stardust/Miz…dow:

Small tech issue, they started to play Gold/Stardust’s hype video during the Uso entrance. Awkward.
Before the match, Miz has Mizdow take his place in the match. The crowd goes wild, and so do I.
A good match ensues. Side note from the commercial break, I like the concept of Sunset Overdrive. Reminds me of Jet Set Radio.
Match ends with a rollup on Sheamus by Mizdow! Miz is excited, shouting “I won! I won!”

Triple H/Randy Orton Segment:

Randy approaches Triple H, thanking him for the opportunity and claiming he’ll beat Lesnar
Triple H says it was Seth’s idea.
Randy says he’ll go thank Seth…personally (sounds kinky)

Bray Wyatt Vignette:

Bray says he’s set Harper and Rowan “free” (hopefully not from wrestling on a regular basis)
Claims that “it’s coming” and promptly disappears at the end of the vignette (one could say he…ascended)

AJ Lee vs Alicia Fox:

True story, I only really care about this match because I’m in a fantasy wrestling league and get points from anything Fox does
That said, NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX. Sara Del Rey is doing great things at the Performance Center
“You know what I love about the Divas?” We already know, Jerry, don’t lie to us. #puppies
Divas wrestling move count for this match: 13
Match ends with a rollup by Fox. More FWL points for me! (That’s two rollups in a row, by the way…)

Randy Orton/Seth Rollins Segment:

Orton thanks Seth for the suggestion, but questions why
Seth claims he’s looking out for The Authority’s best interests
He then reminds Randy that he has a future World Title shot himself, hinting he might cash it in on Orton if he gets the chance

Randy Orton/John Cena/Paul Heyman In-Ring:

Two segments in a row, Orton? Yeezus.
Randy goes on about his and Cena’s histories in WWE.
Classic heel tactic: bash the home team.
Line of the night (so far) from Orton: “You can take your hustle, your loyalty, AND your respect and you can shove them up your a$$!”
The (former) champ is here!
“This ain’t 2002 anymore” You’re not wrong, Cena.
It’s not 2002 anymore, but these guys are cutting promos like it’s 2008-2009.
Here comes the savior of this segment, Paul Heyman.
Class of 2002: John Cena, Randy Orton, and Brock Lesnar.
Heyman points out the guy who was the World champion in 2002 is the World champion in 2014.
Heyman pushes Cena’s buttons to the point where Cena nearly gives him an AA, but stops himself…
…and gets an RKO “outta nowhere” from Orton…
…who gives Heyman an RKO because reasons
Man, this was a long segment.

Rusev vs Big E:

Side note from a preceding commercial: I’ve never seen Bridesmaids, but I finally watched all of The IT Crowd on Netflix. I love Chris O’Dowd’s performance as Roy, so I’m gonna watch that movie whether it’s on USA Network or elsewhere.
The fact I bring that up should show how invested in this match I am. Do it for America, Big E!
Some power moves later, and the match ends with Big E tapping out to the Accolade
Hey, why is a Bulgarian proclaiming himself Russian using a traditionally Iranian submission hold?
Lana and Rusev talk after the match. Big Show manages to switch the Russian flag for Old Glory. America. F**k yeah.
The post-match gets slightly awkward as a returning soldier or vet(??) runs in to stop Rusev, and gets a kick to the face for his troubles. What is this, the Attitude Era?

Big Show In-Ring:

John Cena/Dean Ambrose Segment:

Ambrose does “research for the match tonight’ by watching See No Evil 2 (side note: I really want to see that movie)
Cena talks about the strategy they need to have going into the match
Ambrose responds with “punching anything that moves, and…taking as many of them down with us as possible”
Me: “Well played, Ambrose”

Brie Bella vs Summer Rae:

I almost put down “one of the Bellas vs Summer Rae”
Wrestling holds happen, and I hold out hope for the Divas division
“Fit Finlay’s birthday is today” most important commentary line for the match
I think Missed Dropkick is a decent move name
Brie hits the Brie Factor for the pinfall win, and proceed to borrow her hubby’s chant
The way she does it inspires me to add that to my workout plan. Thanks, Brie!

Dean Ambrose/Seth Rollins/Mick Foley In-Ring:

Ambrose comes out to hype his match at HIAC against Seth Rollins…
…and pulls out a weird mannequin thing that looks vaguely like Seth Rollins
He literally starts ripping apart the mannequin, limb by limb, making body jokes as he goes
Seth and the new stooges come out, and the two former Shield guys have a standoff until…
…MICK FOLEY comes out to “visit an old friend” (the Hell in a Cell structure)
Mick puts over the greatness of The Shield, but admits that he saw Seth Rollins winning a potential match against Ambrose…
…”in almost any scenario”
Thoughts: I’m really hyped for this HIAC match, probably more than any other match on that card

Cesaro vs Dolph Ziggler:

I’m actually looking forward to this match, despite it being non-title. I really hope for the future of the IC title.
Chain wrestling! Thank the wrestling heavens
A great, great match that ends with a pin from Cesaro after a big uppercut
After the match, Cesaro celebrates with a Neutralizer on Ziggler for good measure

The Authority Segment:

Rollins and Orton get to bickering and arguing and stuff
Kane rallies the troops, ring general that he is, and tells them to “put aside their differences”

Hell in a Cell – By The Numbers:

Bray Wyatt Vignette…Again?:

The vignette plays again, all exactly the same as it was earlier. Curious. Very curious.

John Cena & Dean Ambrose vs The Authority (Rollins/Kane/Orton):

Everyone’s wearing pants to this dance but Orton
The match (Street Fight) goes about how you’d expect it, but it’s decent at least
It’s pretty tame for a street fight, though
CENA! Get the table!
I like that they try to sell you on Hell in a Cell with spots they probably won’t do (namely table spots)
Kane calls for the Cell to come down, which adds an interesting pre-PPV dynamic
Dean Ambrose gives tribute to Nigel McGuinness with that whirlybird lariat on Kane
Match ends after Cena goes for an AA, gets chokeslammed by Kane, who gets DDT’d by Ambrose…
…who gets shoved by Orton. He does another whirlybird, but gets caught in an RKO for the Authority win!
After the match, Rollins hits a curb stomp on Orton and celebrates on top of the Cell.